Monday, July 23, 2012
This week I went through a big scare.
You know that moment when you see the world you create around you stopped, and tells you that you are nothing, that you have no power over life and death, and that you need to put your house in order? That was a moment I realized that I'm NOT prepared to meet 'the' hardship.
I know some people that have gone through sweet and sour and still holds a smile around me. There is a family that just discovered that their 12 year old son has leukemia. Other that their baby was born with it. Other dear neighbor that fell from a hill with the horse on top of him and broke ribs and femur and just left the hospital 37 days later.
So I got news that shook up my world. It was everything so fast. One day I was so concerned about temporal things and hurt by people that insist in being complicated. The next day I was just grateful for them and humble by the probability that God would make me learn something the hard way.
The idea that the worse was coming made me think of how sttuborn and proud I've been, that the Lord didn’t find another way to teach me what I need to learn.
I wasn’t afraid though. My only concern was that my son is still a teen and I want to be close at least until he is able to take control over his own future.
For a minute I made promises to God that I would change what was wrong in my life and repent of things I need to. I even imagined and dreamed of how life would be with the new trial, and wondered that the stress I carry today wouldn’t help and everything would be so different.
I even thought of a schedule to put my house in order, and something to do to prepare the whole life of those that would stay, without me for a time and a season, or until we meet again.
The day of my trial came, and I went calm as a ‘spring morning’ to know my fate after have spent days in the limbo, thinking that my life was over, and my dreams had a period.
The doctor's words were ‘good news’. I am not dying. I don’t have what they thought I’d have.
The minute after I remembered the priesthood blessing I got last night, and the prayers of people who love me were doing in my behalf. I stopped and prayed thanking the Lord, and tears came down my face while I had the strange feeling that a Voice was telling me ‘not yet’. The feeling that I will not be tested on that matter 'yet' were clear. The feeling that maybe I should change some things now and prepare better for a soon other situation were present.
Hours later I bought chocolate to celebrate, and broke my diet, and went fast back to the routine I had until a few days ago when life was crazy anyway.
The book of Proverbs confirms this effect of despair with a passage that states that the wicked are they who "flee when no man pursueth," (Proverbs 28:1) and again in Psalms we read that the wicked "go mourning all the day long." (Psalms 38:6) This is the state of those who are afraid and will not turn to the Lord.
In contrast, an opposite effect produced by fear is one that creates a reverence for and a dependence upon the Savior. Because of this relationship, there is an increase of confidence, a greater faith, an increased hope, and ultimately greater courage that comes to those who humble themselves before the Lord.
I have no doubts that the worse scenario would bring me closer to my Savior and humble me in a way that nothing else would be important besides the things that really matter. I just didn’t like that I returned so fast, upon the cancellation of my fears, to where I was before the bad news rang on my phone that morning. I got scared for the person I have become through the years, practical and objective, even fighting every day to keep some sweetness in my soul through my work, the biggest part of me still struggles with my own traits.
Maybe I need to fully understand this pattern for courage in our own lives. As I contemplate the trials that I have experienced, as I have cried in my heart, "Oh Heavenly Father what shall I do?" that this is precisely what has happened to me.
I think of how I have prayed with all of my heart. Is still palpable the feelings of peace and assurance that have come to me as I have prayed.
I can also consider the increase of faith that I have felt because I put total trust in my Heavenly Father. I can feel in my heart the hope that was renewed in my soul as the peaceful whisperings have come to me, when I focused on the renewal of courage that became mine as I determined to move forward.
I discovered many things about myself. I'm not afraid to die. I'm not afraid to meet my Maker. I have not done everything I want to do in life, but I have been not so distant of the right path that I'm able to do everything what I need to meet Him.
It is part of my testimony, that as I put my trust in the Savior, He turns my fear into courage.
And it’s amazing that this power is available to any of us every day.
Sure I really don’t think I came back totally to my old self.
Something is different today, and I don’t want to lose this feeling. The feeling that I need to be prepared everyday for the worse to come, so I can experience the best I have. The certainty I need to focus in what matters most, instead to waste my time with things or feelings that are not divine.
I’ve changed in a matter of hours.
I testify that the Priesthood with all its rights, keys, and powers are upon the earth.
I testify that s long as we engage the Savior into our lives, we will never have to be afraid.
Because it was Him who said to us, "Be of good cheer. It is I. Be not afraid." (Matthew 14:27)